No Complaints – Living The Learning
We are all under tremendous pressure to be accepted, when we are young we care so much about it. Good news is that as we age we care less.
My story – this is being told in hindsight and with a belated understanding of myself and others. I was always a good athlete. Good at everything but I hated the attention and was considered shy. Men were supposed to be extroverted and strong and that was just the way it was and if you weren’t you were pushed to change yourself.
I now know I am an introvert and highly sensitive. My body reacts differently to situations than others. Hyper-arousal is real and affects 20% of the population. many situations that people love are traumatic for highly sensitive people. But when I was young that was not widely known if at all. Many of my generation suffer from PTSD from ignorance of their personality types when they were young. Que sera sera.
Anyway, to cut a long story short. I unknowingly at the time developed a big muscular coat of armour as my protection, without knowing why I was so single minded in this pursuit.
It is funny though because I never really changed inside always feeling vulnerable and sensitive in raucous or volatile situations.
I also went through a large period of my life drinking too much to cope with the expectations of my social life. I now love to be in reading and chatting or writing. I love walking in nature with my 5 dogs and would rather see nobody than be in busy places.
That is my nature and what I have battled the whole of my life without being fully aware.
I am empathetic and very intuitive to the extreme. Talents of the highly sensitive with introverted tendencies. I would say more than tendencies although I can speak in public very well it does wear me to a frazzle. I energise by being quiet and alone. Extroverts energise by being out in the world with lots of people. I am married to an extrovert and we complement each other perfectly. It is easier to understand difference when you live with it. And we both introduce the other to our opposites.
My appearance does not fit my personality at all. But was developed to be something I felt I needed to be to play the game we like to call normal life.
Now I love my appearance and it has given me good health as a side effect. Did it protect me? I think it did most of the time, but it also attracted its fair share of unwanted female attention (the opposite sex situations can be traumatic for sensitives, no one night stands, too much anxiety) and Neanderthal male challengers, that equated it with violence and wanted to prove themselves. Pathetic!
My change of physique got me the same sexual attention as you were getting plus some aggressive jealous challengers thrown into the mix.
Your situation is made worse by depictions of sexuality in the media. And human beings are aroused by certain body-parts particularly when they take on fantasy proportions. The issue is can the personality (the person inside the body) handle the body. In my case the answer was no but is now yes and has led to an unbelievable life and thirst for knowledge to understand what is going on in our minds and in the minds of others. We are an amazingly complicated species.
In trying to avoid and protect myself I encouraged more attention. It is funny if you think about it. There are always consequences to our actions. In my case they are very good now but at the time it was not a great move to become a 20-stone specimen to avoid attention. What was I thinking?
My personality has grown into my body and now I see young guys that are on the same journey of not being mature enough to handle the responsibility of a huge muscular body. Instead they do use it as a tool for their manly status and place in the herd.
Bodybuilding has given me an education on all things physical and probably protected me more than not. Although my writing, speaking, coaching and philosophical meanderings always surprise people as big muscular guys are still expected to be DUMB ASSES! We love to label others. Wrongly most of the time.
As we age we begin to understand the lives we have lived and why we behaved the way we did. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. One thing I would say to young people is that when we think everybody is looking at us, some may be complementary and often others are too worried about their own stuff going on to care too much about us. We just imagine they do. And we often become more by maturing into our physical appearances. Developing strong personalities through adversity is often the way it happens.
Good luck to you.
Adam Senex x