Getting to know yourself better after so many years spent playing a myriad of roles in this game we call life
With awareness comes great change, there may come a feeling of being chosen particularly if a landmark moment of suffering or similar has led us to this awareness. We may feel set apart and our thoughts and ideas may actually set us apart from the world we knew before this moment, it may be a gradual and slow awakening or it could be a sudden epiphany that can be traced to the very second the change began. The process of coming to the realisation that you no longer fit your world quite so well can be gradual but it will happen. This can manifest in anyone of us who has found our individual path or is just finding a different path to the one we were on. “You’ve changed” is what we hear and it will be accurate and we will feel estranged from those that have not changed and that may well be most of the people that we knew well to this point. This is simply what I have witnessed and experienced myself. At first we may pretend to be normal but once the hunger for awareness begins there is no going back, our world view has changed and will continue to change as long as we seek our own personal truth. We then may try to preach and open the eyes of our significant others but that is also foolhardy as awareness seems to be something that just happens like a fruit ripening. For some it may never happen. Another problem here is that language and logic is primarily the left brains domain and the changes we desire are often paradoxical and ambiguous two traits that left brain finds impossible to comprehend. But which the right brain knows are perfectly normal for living life to the full.
Those of us who have begun and continue to work on ourselves are fluid and within a process and we don’t care to spend much time pretending to be normal with other normal people. We try only to find that even the shortest period of time being agreeable and listening to old friends can exhaust our psychic energy. Wondering if and how we ever felt the same way as them. The differences in thoughts and behaviours increase and the ever expanding worldview of an aware individual does not compare with a conformist worldview.
This could be viewed as elitist and I for one used to feel terribly guilty and isolated due to these differences and the fact that I could no longer be who I was expected to be. I am still struggling to come to terms with the changes now. I have suffered some big losses and very few gains when it comes to flesh and blood additions to my intimate world. We are in the minority and considered a bit weird and also if they listen or understnd at all, which is rare unless they are ready we test others certainties about everything in their worlds and that does not sit well unless it is self-discovered and evolves naturally. Often we are looked at as speaking a language that is alien to those emersed in their left brain world. I am sure that is how I would have felt pre-awareness also. Oddly enough I do find more people that I come across casually in passing are more likely to be awakened. Or at least thinking outside of the box. It’s as if I have a sign on me saying “it’s safe to be yourself around me, I won’t think you are crazy”. Julie is amazed at how I seem to draw unique individuals to me and how they open up very quickly but I guess I am like that to. The reality is that they are probably already aware but unaware that they have begun that process. A process that entails attempting to break free of the two closed systems of language and logic that hold us all so tightly in their grasp. We are even expected and often attempt to use these systems to convince others. This clearly is not the way change will occur. It has to happen at a level beyond logic and words. A level bereft of such limitations.
As for being elitist? It is only natural not to spend time with people that you no longer have much in common with. It is after all, me that has changed. I had heard people comment that “they have gone a bit weird or strange” for others that have become estranged from their social group. I guess that is me now. I no longer fit the entry requirements and I understand totally. I have become intense in my communications and rarely engage in small talk which has become even smaller in my view. I find it hard to comprehend what others think is important enough to discuss and I am constantly amazed at how lost we can become in pointless distractions and chatter about stuff and material gains. Or attempt to change the world before knowing and changing ourselves. No change will happen on the outside – all lasting change will evolve our brains and change will ultimately emerge from a new ability to use our brains in a way more conducive to harmony and longevity in our world. A world where words, separation and narrow-mindedness do not rule and our open-minded actions are how we are judged.
Change is an ongoing process. It will never end. My life has now been changing for a decade and is unrecognisable from my previous life. Much less fake and not having to be something for others. However, that is still a work in progress. Other people have a huge effect on our personalities and lives. Jean Paul Sartre called it being-for-others. I don’t spend quite so much of my time being-for-others as I used to and is the norm for society. However, I am not kidding myself and I still care what others think more than I should. Maybe that is always the case and progress is to be found in degrees as opposed to one extreme to the other. This is why I developed the Flexarian attitude to acknowledge there is a middle way and many spectrums to be transversed in every moment. Not least the spectrum of right and left brain which I believe is the key to humanity’s survival. We need to become more right brained and to harmonise our hemispheres better if we are to survive. I believe the norms are changing, as they must as more of us strive to find ourselves and a solution to the impending doom of humanity.
With awareness and a sense of purpose comes the realisation that our time on earth is precious. We become reluctant to squander it on explaining ourselves to those who don’t know who they are or why they are here and are not even curious, believing that they have all of the answers already. They are not ready and all the nagging in the world will not help but may alienate them to any alternative to our current systems of being. Gained from the mainstream media and conditioned into us from birth. However, that does not make us saints or gurus but merely sets us on a different path to understanding and interested in different aspects of life previously unexplored for us. Our worlds from the inside out, always with curiosity and minds wide open. It does mean we reject, question or just plain ignore for a quiet life all conformist beliefs held by the majority of others. Becoming aware can be lonely but I am sure there are more aware people ready to question conformist beliefs than there was a decade ago and that means awareness will continue to be less lonely as the years pass and the seeds having been sown begin to reap the truth. I am lucky to be sharing my journey with Julie at this point in my life. We are spiritual partners although we are progressing differently. The support for our “funny little ways” and very different (not always considered normal) attitudes is a Godsend. We have just learnt how to get on with each other, rather than try to change one another. I observe here that Julie was very much a conformist but our love and a moment of despair for us both led us both to begin to open our minds to other possibilities. I guess that is what is meant by love being the answer to the worlds problems. I doubt that will work in most cases but it is certainly a tool that encourages people to venture to the right side of their brain. For us it was a moment of suffering that motivated us to action. I hope that is not always the case. But, I think that maybe that is what it takes to awaken us from our slumber. A good kick up the arse (metaphor is right brained- left brain would not get it). Adversity is an awesome teacher. And it can take away the comfortable existence that keeps us stuck and cause us to search for new truths for ourselves. Which, are amazingly easy to discover once we open our eyes.
Previous to this awareness we are, to a greater or lesser extent imprisoned in society and devoted to our jail. This happens because we live in a culture that has lost objectivity, we are too influenced by our conditioning, until awareness enters our lives we can’t see past the assumptions and beliefs we are immersed in, and indoctrinated into, since birth and there is some evidence to show that this begins in the womb. This is understandable even though it remains one’s personal responsibility to overcome such brainwashing at some point in our lives. There is a pressing need to become curious and to evaluate more critically what is being said throughout our lives. In doing so it is important that we do not allow left brain to unpack it without putting it back together via the right brain for it to be pratically beneficial for living a good life. The sum is always greater and more meaningful than the parts the left brain reduces everything to.
Because conformism has reached the position of mainstream worldview, conformists seem confident in feeling that they don’t need to properly understand what they are criticising before they act. They are little more than ignorant representatives of mainstream conformist thought. Which hides behind logic and language. Protected by the power and dominance afforded by the majority, some don’t even seem to feel they need to think straight. But this is hardly surprising when it is not their original thought in the first place. There is very little original thought needed when assuming the same views as the majority of others handed down from on high. The left brain does not do contradiction or compromise. There is no middle way. And that is one of the reasons why our world is in such a state. As left brain extremes battle for power.